


And On the Highway of Regret

by Leloi



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Accidents, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Pon Farr, T'hy'la, Temporary Amnesia, mental Age Regression/De-Aging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 01:56:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7598962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leloi/pseuds/Leloi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James T. Kirk woke in a place he didn’t recognize.  Of course, that wasn’t anything new.  He often woke in places he didn’t recognize, usually after a night of heavy drinking and work.  It was the nature of the work to wake in strange places.  </p><p>But this place was not a residence.  It was professional with medical equipment.  </p><p>Perhaps he had been stabbed by a customer.  That occasionally happened and then he would wake up in a hospital.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And On the Highway of Regret

James T. Kirk woke in a place he didn’t recognize. Of course, that wasn’t anything new. He often woke in places he didn’t recognize, usually after a night of heavy drinking and work. It was the nature of the work to wake in strange places. 

But this place was not a residence. It was professional with medical equipment. 

Perhaps he had been stabbed by a customer. That occasionally happened and then he would wake up in a hospital. 

A woman walked into his field of view and she smiled at him before walking away. “He’s awake, doctor.”

“Damnit, kid…” A middle aged brunette with a southern accent and a Starfleet uniform emerged from a nearby room to approach him. “I swear to God the next time you pull a stunt like that I’m going to tie you to your hobgoblin and have him carry you.”

Jim stared up at him in confusion. The southern man’s words made very little sense. “Hobgoblin?”

A door hissed open and a Vulcan in a Starfleet uniform walked in.

“Speak of the devil.” The brunette rolled his eyes. “No one called for you.”

“You did not have to. I knew when he woke.” The Vulcan answered.

“Don’t you have a starship to run?” The man challenged.

“Surely you understand my concern…”

“Why don’t you let me do my job…?”

“And it is my job to…”

“Your job? He nearly died on your watch you green blooded…”

“HEY!” Jim yelled out, grabbing their full attention. His eyes scanned the room. “Where am I? And who are you?”

“Oh good God…” The man moaned and immediately picked up a scanner to run over Jim, much to his annoyance. 

The Vulcan stepped closer to the bed, his hands behind his back as he regarded Jim thoughtfully. “Let us start with something simple. Who are you?”

“I’m James Tiberius Kirk… Ouch!” In annoyance he swatted away the human with the hypo. 

“What year is it, Jim?” The doctor asked.

“It’s 2253.” Jim replied.

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow. 

The man began to scan again. “Do you know who we are?”

“You aren’t my clients, are you? You’re some sort of doctor and he’s…” Jim pointed at the Vulcan before realizing it was rude. “He’s a Vulcan.”

“What sort of work do you do, Jim?” The doctor asked, continuing his exam.

“Um…” Suddenly Jim felt a little worried. What was the Federation’s view on prostitution? Jim couldn’t remember. “I dance mostly… Among other things.”

The doctor looked to the Vulcan with a look of concern. “Did you know about that?”

The Vulcan frowned. “Yes. Did you?” 

“I’m his doctor, of course I know.” The doctor snapped. With a weary sigh he turned to Jim and crossed his arms over his chest. “Ok, kid… We’re going to level with you. This isn’t 2253. It’s 2261.”

“No!” Jim moved away from them. “No, it can’t be.”

“Jim, I need you to calm down. You were on an away mission and you were hurt. You took a blow to the head.” The doctor tried raising his hands as if to calm a spooked animal.

“What does that even mean? An away mission? I’m not in Starfleet.” Jim managed to slip off the bed and used it to distance himself from the doctor and the Vulcan.

“Jim.” The Vulcan called out to him, his voice full of something that Jim almost found familiar. 

Hastily Jim shook his head and took another step back. “Don’t come any closer.”

The doctor groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Jim… I’m Leonard McCoy. I’m your doctor and your best friend. This…” And with that he gestured towards the Vulcan. “This is Spock. He’s your… Your… Vulcan.”

Spock frowned sharply and glared at the doctor. “You imply that he owns me.”

“Doesn’t he?” McCoy responded. Then he turned his attention to Jim. “You own him mind, body and soul.”

Jim gaped at the two before him, slowly shaking his head. “Where are we?”

Spock pulled his attention away from the doctor to focus on Jim. “You are on the USS Enterprise. You are the captain. I am your First Officer and Chief Science Officer. Doctor McCoy is your Chief Medical Officer. We are currently two years into a five year mission of exploration.” 

Through this Jim shook his head, horrified that he had woken up on a starship. “This is a joke. It has to be a joke.”

Dr. McCoy sighed helplessly. “I wish it was, kid. But you’re here.”

“Perhaps a tour of the ship might cause him to remember?” Spock asked McCoy, but continued to stare at Jim.

“And when you’re done, then what?”

“I will show him his cabin. Perhaps he will remember.”

McCoy made a face. “He’s had a nasty blow to the head, Spock. Don’t frighten him more than he already is.”

Spock nodded. “Come, Jim. I will show you your ship.” 

Jim followed. A part of him found the Vulcan’s voice soothing, even though the idea of being somewhere he didn’t know worried him. Jim liked to know where he was and how to escape. Six years had passed since Tarsus IV and he still had trouble with spaces he couldn’t control. Shadowing the Vulcan was comforting so he followed in his footsteps. The ship was massive, unlike anything he had ever seen before. Small transport ships had nothing on the Enterprise. When he watched it being built he hadn’t imagined the size inside. And that thought stopped him in his tracks. This ship had been in the ship yard only the day before. How could it be in space? 

“Jim?” Spock stopped when he did, staring at him in concern. 

“Sorry… I just realized that this was the ship I saw in the shipyard yesterday.”

“It has been launched and refitted since then.” Spock informed him.

“This really isn’t 2253, is it?”

“It is not.” Spock agreed.

Jim shook his head. “I have no memory of anything between then and now. Isn’t that strange?”

“Perhaps you will remember more as time passes.”

Jim shook his head again and rubbed between his eyes. “I’m just tired. Is there a place I can lay down?”

Spock led him through the corridors of the ship until he reached a door. It opened for them and Spock stood to the side as Jim entered and looked around. “Is this my room?”

Spock held Jim’s eyes a moment before nodding. “Yes.”

Jim recognized his small collection of antique paper books. His fingers touched their familiar spines as his eyes scanned the variety of knick knacks. There were pictures. In many of them he recognized himself surrounded by people he didn’t know. One picture was of him and McCoy in Starfleet uniforms making faces at the camera. Another picture was of him in robes that looked to be Vulcan, standing beside Spock and an old Vulcan. There were other Vulcan pieces around the room. For a long time he stood before something that looked like an incense burner and a meditation mat. “Do I meditate?”

“No.” Spock answered. 

“There’s Vulcan stuff in here.” Jim mused as he studied the mixture of things he recognized and things he didn’t. Opening a chest he found blue Starfleet shirts neatly folded next to gold shirts. “I share this room with someone, don’t I?”

“You do.” Spock murmured. 

Jim returned to where Spock stood, his eyes taking in the blue uniform. “We share a room, don’t we?”

Spock nodded silently.

“Why? Don’t starship captains get their own room?” Jim teased, doing his best to lighten the somber mood. “There’s only one bed.” His eyes returned to the mediation area across from the bed along with the integrated decorating styles. “Oh.” Jim stared at the Vulcan before him. “We’re…”

Spock frowned and bit his lower lip.

“When McCoy said that you were my Vulcan… He meant…” Jim drew it out, wondering if his trail of thought would be confirmed or not.

But Spock would not answer. The Vulcan kept his deep eyes on Jim.

“He meant… That we’re… That you’re my… Lover?” Jim tried.

A small puff of air escaped Spock’s lips. For a moment he looked relieved. “Yes. We are lovers.”

“I didn’t know that Vulcans took lovers.” Jim mused as he turned around to regard the room again. 

“We do not.” Spock answered.

Jim spun around to face him. “But you just said…”

Spock gave him a look that was full of hope and fear. “You’re tired. It’s been a long day and you have not completely recovered. Rest. I will have the quartermaster assign me new quarters.”

“I can’t kick you out of your room just because I don’t know much about you!” Jim insisted as he returned to the Vulcan. “Can’t we… Just share?”

Spock looked torn, his eyes glancing towards the door.

“Maybe I could get to know you again?” Jim offered. 

“I would like that.” Spock gave him a small smile. “I must return to the bridge. You must rest. I will return at 1800 hours and we will have dinner. Will that be acceptable?”

“It’s a date.” Jim grinned at him.

A shade of green touched Spock’s cheeks as he passed through the cabin door.

Jim sat down on the bed. It was bigger than he expected a starship bed to be. There was evidence that a smaller mattress had been in the space but it had been removed for the larger sleeping space. Opening the night stand he pulled out the half-filled bottle of lubrication and studied it before returning it to the drawer. Pulling back the sheets, he climbed into the bed and pushed his face into the pillows. The bed smelled of sex. The scent was deep in the mattress. It spoke of a lot of activity that changing the sheets couldn’t wash away. Jim had fucked enough people and been in enough beds to know the smell well. It was comforting to know that some things didn’t change. Curling up with a pillow, he quickly fell asleep.

^.~

Jim woke to the smell of food. Never one to turn down a meal, he opened his eyes and pushed back the blankets.

“I did not mean to wake you.” Spock’s voice came from nearby.

Jim got up from the bed and stumbled around the privacy screen to find Spock setting food dishes on a small table. “Always wake me for food.” 

“I will remember that.” Spock replied as he sat across the table. “I returned to find you sleeping.”

Jim waved Spock’s concern away and picked up a fork. “I can sleep when I’m dead.” With that he dug into the food, finding them to be various vegetarian dishes. It took him almost five minutes before he realized that Spock wasn’t eating. The Vulcan’s eyes were upon him. “What’s wrong?”

Spock broke out of whatever thoughts he had been lost in with a deep breath. “Nothing. You mentioned death.” Hastily he picked at his plate to cover what seemed like embarrassment. Did Vulcans feel embarrassment?

“Death bothers you.”

“It was the way you said it.” Spock poked at his food. “I never realized how flippant you were towards death when you were younger.”

Jim shrugged. “I survived. I just don’t like being hungry. I eat what I can, when I can.”

Spock dropped his fork. “Of course. In your mind you are 20 years old. You are still being affected by your time on Tarsus IV.”

It was Jim’s turn to drop the fork. Horror washed over him. “You know about Tarsus?”

Spock picked up his fork and stabbed at a vegetable. “I am a Vulcan. You have shared your mind with me. You showed me what you went through on Tarsus IV.”

“I have never told anyone about that.”

There was a long silence as both stared at each other and then at the food on their plates. Finally Spock broke the silence. “Eat your dinner, Jim.”

Jim took several bites, inwardly panicking that this affair with Spock seemed to be so much more than he was prepared for. Spock knew about the worse year of his life. It was a year that continued to haunt his nightmares. 

“I grieve with thee.” 

Jim shook his head. “What does that even mean?”

“It means that I share your pain.” Spock answered.

Jim shook his head and frowned at what was left of his dinner, suddenly no longer hungry.

“Perhaps a game of chess?” Spock spoke up. “To take your mind off of your situation.”

“I don’t know how to play.” Jim answered.

“Then I will teach you.” Spock smiled at him. 

They played three rounds. Spock won the first two rounds, Jim the third… Although Jim suspected that Spock allowed him to win. Smothering a yawn, he regarded the chess board.

“You need your rest.” Spock commented. 

“What about you?” Jim asked. “Do you need your rest? Or is the bed all mine?”

“I require only a few hours of sleep. I meditate.” Spock stood and Jim stood with him. “Take the bed.”

“It’s your bed too.” Jim answered. “You’re welcome to join me.”

“Jim…” Spock began but Jim cut him off.

“Spock… Think about what I do for a living. I really don’t have a problem with sharing a bed with anyone.”

Spock frowned and nodded. “We turn up the heat when we sleep.”

Jim nodded. “Go ahead.”

Spock fiddled with a console and immediately the temperature began to rise. “This is a compromise you and I reached… I need the heat to be comfortable. You adapted by… Removing your clothing and kicking off the blankets.”

Jim chuckled softly. “Spock, that’s not much of a compromise. I usually sleep in the nude.”

“You wore pajamas when we first…” Spock’s words broke off and he turned away. “Your old pajamas are in the bottom drawer.” Vulcan began to undress nervously.

Jim watched him, his eyes sliding down the smooth, lean back. Quickly he removed the simple tunic and trousers he found himself in as he watched the Vulcan completely undress. The curve of his bottom, the strength in his thighs. “Do you wanna fuck?” Jim asked quietly.

Spock turned to regard him with a look that was almost naked hunger and need. Quickly he hid those emotions away.

Jim got an eyeful of Spock’s chest. At the juncture of his legs were alien genitals he wasn’t so sure about. “Do you?”

Spock blinked and then took a deep breath before reaching for a garment he had put aside. It was a robe and he slipped it on. “You must rest. I must meditate.”

Jim sat on the edge of the bed, uncaring about his own nudity. “We do fuck, don’t we? You said you were my lover.”

Spock sat on the mat and rearranged the sleeves for his robe. “I am your lover.” With a deep breath he closed his eyes. “Rest, Jim.”

“Will you come to bed after you meditate?” Jim asked, toeing the floor.

“Yes. But you must let me meditate.”

Jim lay down properly on the bed. The room was too warm for blankets. A sheet covered his feet and calves. Eventually the room dimmed and Jim slept again.

^.~

Jim woke as someone climbed into bed beside him. Immediately he wrapped his arm around that person and spooned them from behind. They were naked and he couldn’t resist sliding his hand down their exposed side to their bare hip. 

“Go back to sleep, ashayam.” Spock whispered. 

Jim didn’t understand the Vulcan word, but the sound of it sent shivers up his spine and made him hard. Lightly he kissed Spock’s back. “Are you sure you don’t want to fuck?” 

“T’hy’la, go back to sleep.”

“Don’t you want me?”

“You barely know me.”

“That’s never stopped me from fucking anyone before.” 

“We are together out of mutual respect. It would be bad for our relationship if I took advantage of your memory loss.” Spock answered, hugging the pillow tighter.

“I’m horny.” Jim complained as he snuggled up against Spock’s back again. “And you’re sexy as fuck.”

Spock chuckled softly, surprising Jim because he didn’t know Vulcans could laugh. “I am pleased to know that even when you are thinking as a twenty year old human you can still find me sexually appealing. But for now you must sleep. We have a meeting tomorrow morning.” Spock’s hand caught Jim’s and threaded their fingers together. “Sleep.”

Spock’s fingers entwined with his own made him feel content and he shifted their hands so they rested against Spock’s stomach. And he did fall asleep.

^.~

Jim woke again to the smell of food. The bed beside him was empty and he blearily got up. Spock was once again at the table with breakfast waiting for him. “Morning.”

“Morning.” Spock answered, sipping from a mug. 

Jim stumbled into the head and peed. Somehow he ended up in the shower, realizing too late that it was set to sonic. Not that it mattered. The room was warm and he was covered in sweat. The sonic shower made him feel a little better. Returning to the main room he sat on the chair on his side of the table and reached for the mug before him. With a cautious sniff he recognized the coffee and drank.

“I will find you something to wear.” Spock stated from his side of the table. “You are still on medical leave. I know how much you hate the ‘med bay ensemble.’” Spock took another sip from his mug.

“When is the meeting?” Jim asked into his own mug.

“It is at 900 hours.”

Jim glanced at the chronometer he had noticed the night before. It said 818. “We have some time.”

Spock set down his mug.

“What is our relationship exactly?” Jim asked without preamble.

“Our relationship?” Spock raised an eyebrow.

“How did we meet?” Jim took another sip of his coffee.

“We met at Starfleet Academy. You rewrote my test and I accused you of cheating.”

“Sounds like something I might do…” Jim mused with another sip of coffee.

“You were a stowaway on my ship. You did not believe the rules applied to you. You insulted my dead mother and yet you also saved the Earth.”

“Wow.”

“And that all happened in two days.”

“So… It wasn’t love at first sight?” 

“It was not.” Spock smirked into his mug.

“How did we end up together?”

“From the moment I saw you take my test you have been a presence in my life whether I wanted you to be or not. Over time I became used to you until one day I realized I could not function without you.”

“One day? Isn’t that a little… Imprecise for a Vulcan?”

“I remember the exact day.” Spock answered. “You died.”

Jim felt cold inside. His insides flipped and there was a sensation of nausea. “I… Died?”

Spock glanced at the chronometer. Hastily he got up and went to the drawers, searching them. A small stack of folded clothes, all black, were piled neatly atop the dresser. “Put these on.”

“You mean I can’t go out like this?” Jim indicated his nudity, still feeling strange at the change in mood.

Spock gave a soft sigh and rolled his eyes. “None of the crew wants to see you naked… Again.”

“Wait… I’ve been naked before?” 

Spock presented Jim with the stack of black. “Your boots are by the bed.”

“You said I died… Obviously I was brought back if I’m still here.” Jim picked at the Starfleet issue underwear and socks. “I’m not a ghost am I?”

“Doctor McCoy found a way to bring you back to life.” Spock answered. “We have twenty two minutes. Please get dressed.”

Jim knew when his questions were being deflected. There was something to Spock’s words that spoke of something deeper. But he obeyed the command to dress anyway, finding the clothing to fit better than what he wore the previous day in leaving the medical bay. When he was sufficiently dressed Spock looked him over and fixed details he had missed. It was bizarre seeing someone so intent on him and the image he projected. And Spock did it easily, as if he had years of practice. 

Finally Spock nodded and handed him a PADD. “If you wish to take notes, you may use this.” They left the room. The hallway was much cooler than the room. It felt a little chilly. Jim kept up with the Vulcan through the twists and turns and into turbo lifts. And then they entered a room full of people. 

Jim recognized McCoy, the rest were strangers. Some had appeared in the photos he had seen. Most were unknown and he took a nervous step closer to Spock as they all looked at him. 

“Keptin,” A young man with a Russian accent smiled at him.

McCoy directed him to a chair and he sat with Spock at his right side. 

“As you know, Captain Kirk had an accident on the away mission. He has lost his memory.”

The room erupted in people talking to each other. Much of it sounded like, “oh no!” and “that’s horrible.”

“We do not know when it will come back.” McCoy informed the group. “Meanwhile Spock will remain acting captain.”

“How much of his memory has he lost?” A beautiful woman asked.

“When he woke up yesterday he told us the year was 2253.” McCoy answered. “That was two years before he joined the academy.” 

“What about Spock?” The woman asked, glancing at Spock. “They’re…”

“He is fine with sharing a cabin…” Spock answered.

“As roommates? But you’re…” The woman began.

“It is acceptable, Uhura.” Spock interrupted her.

Uhura stared at Jim, making him feel like he was under the microscope. There was a piece of the puzzle he was missing. 

The meeting broke up. McCoy insisted that he go to the medical bay again. Halfway there he realized he had left the PADD behind and hurried back to fetch it. 

Near the meeting room there were voices down the corridor and he slowed to listen, recognizing Spock’s voice along with Uhura’s.

“There is no need for him to know.”

“Spock… He has to know. What happens if never gets his memory back? He needs to know what he’s in for.”

“He will remember.”

“You won’t be able to meld with him anymore. He will find out when you meld with him. And then he’ll be upset that you kept it from him.”

“Nyota…”

“Spock, I’m your friend. I care about you… I love you. Listen to me as a friend… You can’t keep this from him.”

“He knows we are lovers.”

“And what of your marriage?”

Jim took several steps away. Turning, he ran back towards the medical bay, panting for breath as he entered.

McCoy met him by the door. “What is wrong?”

“Nothing…” Jim answered miserably. Nothing except he just found out that his lover was married.

^.~

There was no one to talk to on the ship. There was no one he really knew. They all seemed to know him, but Jim felt like he was lost in a sea of strangers. Who could he ask? Who could he confide in? There was no one to turn to for answers… Except maybe the source. And Spock hadn’t been very cooperative. 

Jim sat at the dinner table, brooding sullenly.

Spock set down his fork. “I understand this is difficult for you. Losing eight years of your life, including all of your career training leaves you with very little to draw upon.”

“That’s not what I’m angry about.” Jim made a face.

“You are in a place you do not recognize, surrounded by strangers you cannot remember having a common history with. You are completely isolated and alone.”

Jim was surprised at how accurate Spock was… And yet he didn’t want to acknowledge that the Vulcan was correct out of sheer stubbornness. “That’s not it either.”

“What is wrong?” Spock asked quietly.

Jim searched his brain for something, anything that would satisfy the answer aside from the truth. “I’m fucking horny. I need to have sex.”

“You do not need sex.” Spock sighed softly.

“Yes, I do.” The more Jim said it, the more he liked it.

“We have discussed this before. Sex is not an actual need like sleep or nourishment. You can go for quite a long time without sex. It is a want, not a need. One may argue that companionship is an actual need since humans are a social species. Deprivation leads to…”

“I need sex.” Jim interrupted. 

Spock stared at him for a long time. With another sigh he dropped his napkin on the table and stood up. “Very well.”

The action surprised Jim. “What?”

“I will see to your wants.” Spock replied as he passed into the private area of the room.

“Just like that?” Jim got up from the table to follow him, finding Spock removing his shirts. 

“I will not deny you sex just because you do not remember me.” Spock answered as he pushed down his trousers and underwear, leaving himself completely bare. “How would you like to have me?”

Jim looked Spock over, still unsure how his alien biology worked. For the most part he looked human. But parts of him did not. 

Spock looked down at himself and frowned. 

“I… I don’t remember anything about Vulcan anatomy.” Jim admitted. “I’m sure I did at some point. But I’ve never fucked a Vulcan before.”

“I am the only Vulcan you have ever been with.” Spock stated and sat upon the bed. “Take off your clothes.”

“Put my clothes on, take my clothes off. You’re a little bossy when it comes to my clothing. Do you know that?” Jim remarked as he undressed. His steps brought him closer to the bed where he was caught by Spock’s hand.

Spock pulled him close and took Jim into his mouth. His hands kept Jim in place as he swallowed him down to the hilt. 

Jim closed his eyes, awed by the sensation of the cool mouth wrapped around him. “Oh… Fuck.” It was not something he was expecting from someone like Spock. The way he went at it there must have been many hours of practice to perfect the technique. “Fuck…”

Spock pulled away. “Is that what you wish?” Pushing back, he lounged on the bed, his legs open and inviting.

Jim’s mind took a moment to reboot. Usually when he was with male clients they liked to be on top of him. It seemed that Spock was used to being on the bottom. And then he noticed that Spock was fully erect. A slick greenish penis rested on his belly. Jim crawled towards the Vulcan in the middle of the bed. His fingers lightly touched the alien shaft, exploring the oily appendage. “Double ridges.”

Spock smiled and closed his eyes, opening his legs wider in invitation.

Jim slid his fingers down and explored Spock’s puckered entrance. His oily fingers easily slid inside. “Oh… Fuck…” 

“You made similar statements the first time you mounted me.” Spock commented. “I will tell you now what I told you then. Vulcans are a desert dwelling species. We are well adapted for taking our mates no matter the gender.” Opening his eyes a crack, Spock smiled and blushed a shade of green. “You will not hurt me.”

Jim pushed in three fingers and marveled at how Spock’s body reacted. Pulling his fingers out, he lined himself up and pushed in, fascinated at the way Spock’s body accepted him. His core temperature was cooler than a human. But it wasn’t unpleasant. 

“Harder…” Spock whispered, wrapping his arms around Jim’s shoulders and nuzzling into his neck. “I can take it.”

Jim braced himself and rolled his hips. When Spock attempted to kiss him, he rolled his head away. Something in him reminded him that he should never kiss a client. 

“Not a client…” Spock panted into his ear.

It was a strange response but Jim decided to ignore it, focusing instead on how it felt to fuck the Vulcan. Spock certainly didn’t hold back in his cries of delight and his vocalization got louder and louder as Jim quickly approached his orgasm. As he felt himself drain away, he watched as Spock gave one final cry. There was a mess between them. Spock gasped for air and for a moment Jim was amused at how intensely passionate a Vulcan could be while fucking.

“Shut up…” Spock managed, trying to regain control of his breathing.

“I didn’t say anything.” Jim responded.

“Touch telepath… Especially during sex.” Spock managed.

For a moment Jim panicked, realizing that Spock knew everything he was thinking.

“Be at peace, Jim… My shields are usually up to give you privacy. I cannot maintain them while we make love.”

Jim relaxed against the cool, beautiful alien he shared his quarters with. “Do we fuck a lot?”

“Yes.” Spock answered. “You claim you desperately need it.” A smile crossed his face. “And I always indulge you.”

Jim bit his lip, staring at a very relaxed Spock. “Are you married?”

Spock grunted and opened one eye to look at him. “All Vulcans have at least the beginnings of marriage bond. It is a necessity to my species.”

“Why?” Jim asked.

“Pon Farr. It is a time of mating. Without it our blood will burn and we will die. All Vulcan children are paired up at a young age so they will never have to face that.”

“So you were married as a child?”

“The bond was established when we were children. The marriage bond was not established until Pon Farr. When my planet was destroyed…”

“Wait… Your planet was destroyed?” Jim sat up in bed, staring down at the Vulcan in shock.

“Vulcan is gone.” Spock whispered hoarsely. “There are only a few thousand of my species left. I forgot you do not remember that. Jim… Vulcan was destroyed in 2258. That is why you are a starship captain at such a young age. Most of the fleet was destroyed.”

“I was only twenty five.” Jim breathed, shocked.

“My fiancée died on Vulcan.”

“I’m… I’m sorry to hear that.” Jim murmured, unsure what else to say.

“I went through Pon Farr last year.”

Jim shook his head, confused.

“I had to find another mate before the fires took me.”

Jim blinked at him. 

“You… Our bond…”

Something clicked into place. Jim quickly got out of the bed, disturbed by what was being implied. “I’m not… I’m not married.” His eyes looked around the room, seeing the way Earth and Vulcan were both used. The bed… The Dresser… Spock’s meditation mat. “No, it can’t be.”

“Jim…” Spock reached out for Jim but was pushed away. 

“I’m not married! I can’t be married!” Jim insisted. “I can’t even be in a long term relationship for more than a week. Why would you choose me?”

“You love me.” Spock answered. “Please, Jim…”

“Sex is one thing… Love is… Love is… I don’t even know what love is because I’ve never felt it!” Jim backed up into the dresser. 

“That is your twenty year old self saying that. By the time you are twenty seven you know what love means.” Spock insisted.

“No! No, I don’t! I never have. I never have and I never will.” And with that he slumped against the wall, feeling completely helpless and miserable. 

Spock pulled on his robe and approached Jim, kneeling down before him. “You died saving us. In that moment I realized I could not live without you. I felt the snap of our bond. I did not even know how it got there. But it was there from the beginning. You died and I felt it. Then you came back and I knew my place was at your side for the rest of your life. I would be there to protect you. We were always meant to share your lifetime.”

Jim rubbed his eyes and sniffled, still horrified at what he had learned.

“When Pon Farr came you knew what it meant. You told me you could not bear to lose me. You would do anything to keep me at your side always.”

“My lifetime?” Jim brooded sullenly.

“Humans do not live as long as Vulcans. Someday I will lose you to old age. I accept that. Kaiidth.”

“This is all a mistake. You can’t possibly be married to me.” Jim insisted.

“Jim…” Spock breathed, helpless before a despondent mate.

“Do you even like me?” Jim asked. “You said that you didn’t like me when we first met.”

“I like you.” Spock answered. “It took me a while to be receptive to you as a friend. Vulcans do not have friendships the way humans do. We have family and we have associates. It did not take long before you and the crew became a part of my family. You were like a brother to me.”

“That’s kinda kinky considering what we just did.”

Spock rolled his eyes. “Shield-brother. Primitive Vulcans were a warrior people. We did not make alliances easily outside of clans. A shield-brother is like blood but not of your kin. You can trust them with your life. They become kin. That is what you are.”

Jim rubbed his eyes and moaned softly. “You don’t want to be kin with someone like me.”

Spock reached out and lightly touched Jim’s foot. “I do.”

“Name one of my good qualities.” Jim challenged.

Spock blinked at him. “Loyal.”

“I’m not loyal!” Jim rolled his eyes. “I told you I can’t be in a relationship past a week. I cheat. I break hearts.”

“That is not what I meant by loyal.” Spock responded. “You are loyal to your ship, your crew. You have earned their respect despite being the youngest Starfleet captain. They would do anything for you and you would do anything for them. That is what I mean by loyal.”

“Name another.” Jim demanded.

“Brave.” 

“Are you fucking kidding me? You claim you know about Tarsus. I wasn’t brave, I was a coward. I hid!”

“There is bravery and then there is foolishness. You are not a fool. But when you have to be strong, you are brave.”

“Name another.” Jim demanded. “None of these count.”

“Stubborn.” Spock glared at him.

Jim blinked in confusion. “That’s a good trait?”

“The James Tiberius Kirk I know will not give up on anything or anyone. He will fight to get his own way no matter what. Even if that means cheating. And you are using it now to refuse to understand what I am trying to explain to you. You are my husband.” Spock took and deep breath and stood over Jim’s form. “You went with me to New Vulcan and mated with me before my ancestors while I was in Plak Tow. Your name has been written into my family line. You did this for me because you love me. I have looked into your mind so I know it is true. You cannot sit there and deny that it happened. Either accept it… Or get out. This is the captain’s cabin and I am acting captain. I will not share my bed with someone who insists I am lying about my feelings. I do not lie.”

Tears filled Jim’s eyes and he bowed his head, sobbing into his hands at Spock’s harsh words. Once again he was the weak little boy on Tarsus.

Spock stood for several seconds before he turned and walked out of the room, leaving Jim alone.

^.~

“Jim?” McCoy looked around the privacy screen as if he expected something to ambush him. “Jim, are you in here?” 

There was a soft sniffle from the corner.

McCoy stepped into the bedroom and looked about, before he found Jim’s form sitting in the corner on the bed, arms wrapped around his knees. “I see you. I’m coming a little closer.” McCoy carefully approached the bed. “Jim… Are you alright?”

“He… He hates me.” Jim sobbed against his knees.

“Who? Spock? No, he doesn’t.” McCoy carefully ran one of his devices over Jim’s form.

“He wants me to leave. I have nowhere to go!” Jim continued to sob.

“It’s alright, kid. You’re ok where you are. You don’t have to go anywhere.”

“But he said…”

“He was angry, kid. You got to him, hurt him… And he said things he didn’t mean to hurt you back.” McCoy sat on the edge of the bed nearest Jim. “You do that to each other sometimes.”

“How do you know?” Jim snorted some snot.

“Because he marched himself to my office and told me so. He informed me that he is emotionally compromised. He’s in my office now. I told him I would come check on you.”

“He was really angry…” Jim sniffled.

“He is a little sensitive when it comes to his feelings. Before he met you he never even admitted that he had any feelings. That changed when you took over his life. Vulcans don’t do feelings. That’s true… Except when it comes to Vulcans named Spock and you. You’re like catnip to them.”

“Where will I go?”

“You can stay here.” McCoy looked Jim over again. “You’re naked. Are you cold?” McCoy slipped off the bed and opened a drawer to pull out pajama pants and a shirt. “Here, put these on.”

Jim looked over the pajama pants. There were little starships all over them. “This is the captain’s cabin and he’s the captain.”

“You’re the captain. You’re just on medical leave because of that gap in your memory. Once you remember you’ll be the captain again.”

Jim pulled on the t-shirt and pants. 

“You’re looking a lot better. Get into bed and I’ll go clean up the dishes on the table. Then I’ll bring you something to drink.” McCoy smiled at him and went into the main part of the cabin. There was a sound of dishes being deposited into something and a soft curse.

Jim stared at the bed. Carefully he crawled to the top, but paused when his hand encountered something wet. It was cum. Jim stared at his hand, wondering who it belonged to.

“There we are… All done. Here, I brought you something.” McCoy held out a shot glass.

Jim continued to stare at his hand.

“What’s wrong, kid?”

Jim wiped his hand on the blanket and shook his head. “Nothing.” Reaching for the shot glass he immediately downed it. It was bourbon.

“We probably went about this a little too quickly.” McCoy sat on a chair and downed the contents of his own glass. “I should have kept you in your biobed.”

“How long have you known me?” Jim asked.

“Let’s see… We met on the shuttle to Starfleet Academy. That was… 2255.”

“What was I like?”

“Completely hung over. You looked like you had been in a fight the night before. I introduced myself and threatened to throw up on you. It was the beginning a beautiful friendship.”

“Have we ever had sex?”

McCoy made a face and stared up at the ceiling. “Once we went out and found two women on Risa. Things got a little communal if you know what I mean. I lost track of what I was touching. I’m pretty sure at one point I stroked you off. I think I ejaculated in your hair. It was a wild night. Technically… Yes, if you count that. Intentionally, no. We haven’t really talked about it. We shared a room at the Academy and you often fell asleep on my bed whether I was there or not. You snore, by the way. We tried switching beds for a term… You still ended up in the bed I was using. Every so often I woke to you groping me.”

Jim smiled a bit hearing McCoy’s memories. “What about me and Spock?”

“You absolutely hated each other the instant you two met. But within a few hours you were flirting with him. It got on his nerves. Sometimes I think you did it just to mess with him. It came as a complete surprise that he could take down an augmented human because of what happened to you. Spock lost his mind. It was scary. He told me you know that you died two years ago. You died and he… He went into some sort of berserker mode and didn’t stop until the man that was responsible for your death was down. He would have killed him with his bare hands.”

“That’s horrible.”

“He stayed at your side for two weeks while you were in a coma recovering from your death. He never ate… And he never slept.” McCoy ran his hands through his hair. 

“I didn’t believe him when he said we were married and that he loved me.”

“Yeah… I think that kinda broke his mind. You saved his life. You’ve saved his life many times before that. But that particular moment you saved his life. He would have died. He planned for Uhura to be his wife… But it didn’t work out. Your minds were already linked… Something about an old sort of bond. So you married him instead. And he survived.”

“So he didn’t want to marry me. He didn’t intend to marry me.”

“He loves you. That’s what was important. Your minds were already linked with some sort of voodoo. That’s why he went all berserker when you died. He couldn’t be with the person he planned to be with because you were already there.” 

“So if he was with Uhura before that… We haven’t been together very long?”

“Almost a year now.”

“He made it seem like it was longer.”

“It feels like longer…” McCoy mused as he poured another shot from a bottle he had brought. “Need a refill?”

Jim held out his glass and watched as McCoy poured another shot of bourbon. This time he sipped it, letting it burn his sinuses. “Do you think I can love?”

“You love me.” McCoy answered. “You love Spock. You even loved the old Spock that we weren’t supposed to know about. I’ve watched you go from someone who doesn’t care about anyone to someone who cares about a ship full of over four hundred people. You sacrificed your life for them… Isn’t that love? Maybe… Just maybe you can understand stepping up and ringing a gong when one of your best friends was dying on New Vulcan because his biology required him to mate with someone who had a compatible mind even though most of his people were dead and gone. You stepped up for him even though you knew that you weren’t his first choice. You committed to spending the rest of your life in monogamy because you didn’t want someone you deeply cared about to die.”

Jim swallowed his drink and held out the glass for more which McCoy soon provided. Quickly he swallowed that down too before setting the glass on the night stand.

“Kid… I remember the way you used to be. You’ve changed. You’re no longer alone. That twenty year old, frightened young man who sold himself to buy food only returns in your nightmares. He’s here now… But I hope the older you is in there somewhere.” McCoy got up and stretched. “Gotta get these old bones back to the office.”

“Bones…” Jim echoed. The word triggering a faint piece of the puzzle. 

“If Spock is still there… I can send him back here. You two should talk it out.”

Mutely Jim nodded.

McCoy picked up his bottle of bourbon. “Goodnight.”

“Night.” Jim answered.

^.~

An hour after McCoy left the door hissed open and shut. Jim remained where he was, reading on the bed. The alcohol made things spin just a little bit, but he had read the book many times before. 

Spock appeared in the bedroom, hands behind his back or somewhere in his robe. It was difficult to tell. “I am sorry for my behavior.”

Jim shut the book and set it aside.

“You do not need to get out as I implied. I was hurt by your accusations that I did not…” Spock broke off his words and frowned.

“McCoy was here.” Jim responded. “He explained why you were upset.”

“I regret my words.” 

“He told me about what happened… With Pon Farr.” Jim pulled up his knees and wrapped his arms around them. “I was not your first choice.”

“You were not.” Spock confirmed. “My regrets for that outcome have nothing to do with you. It broke Nyota’s heart. I wish I could have spared her that pain.”

“And yet I did it anyway…” Jim adjusted the book to be flush with the edge of the night stand.

“It was a life or death decision.”

“I was being selfish because I couldn’t let you die.”

“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. The ship needed me. You needed me.” Spock sat on the edge of the bed, facing Jim.

“I still feel bad.”

“Jim… I am alive because of your selfishness. You will not let me die. I grieve, I suffer, I am broken, I am incomplete and yet you force me to live. T’hy’la.” Gently he reached out and touched Jim’s cheek. “Do not give up on me now.” Lightly his thumb traced Jim’s lips before his other fingers reached out and lightly touched Jim’s psi points. “Will you meld with me?”

Jim scooted closer and nodded. 

Spock took a deep breath and pushed his fingers into place, reciting the words.

^.~

Jim stood in a circle of stone. There was a newness to the circle as if it had been hastily built recently. Bells drifted on the thin breeze… Bells and drums. A landing party from the Enterprise were standing in one arch, Vulcans in another. Jim saw himself and McCoy standing with Uhura. Spock approached. There was a chaos of scenery, most of which Jim couldn’t understand. Words… Spock fell, Uhura crying in grief as McCoy comforted her. 

Jim saw himself kneel before the fallen Vulcan. “Spock?” His tone was soft and tender, imploring the writhing Vulcan. “Spock… Please… You’re going to die.” 

Spock raised his head and looked at Jim with unseeing eyes. “Jim…”

“You can’t die… Don’t leave me. Please… You can’t leave me.” Jim begged, barely audible over Uhura’s sobs.

Spock tackled him to the ground. They rolled about, filling the stone circle with dust.

“Spock!” The Vulcan elder cried out.

Spock went still, his body on top of Jim’s as they both panted for breath. “T’hy’la…” Spock whispered and pressed his forehead to Jim’s. “T’hy’la… Help me.”

“Anything, Spock… What do I do?” Jim asked, holding his friend close.

An older Vulcan stepped forward. “Spock and Captain Kirk share a T’hy’la bond.”

“Such a bond has not been seen for over a millennia. Not since our people were like animals. In the fields of battle T’hy’la bonds formed when two warriors of one katra met and became one.” T’Pau frowned at the other Vulcan. “You know this, Spock?”

“I do.” The older Vulcan also named Spock answered. “I have melded with this James Kirk. Like me and my captain, they are one warrior in two bodies.”

“Kirk!” T’Pau commanded.

Jim looked to the old Vulcan. “You share a bond with Spock. His life is in your hands.”

“What do I do?” Jim asked.

T’Pau indicated the gong.

Spock got up from the ground and took the mallet, striking the gong in a loud, clear note.

Kirk followed and took the mallet. “I have to marry Spock to save him?”

T’Pau inclined her head.

Jim looked to Spock. Without looking at what he was aiming at he hit the gong. The note seemed to carry on forever.

Spock immediately wrapped himself around Jim, overwhelming him.

^.~

Spock pulled back his hand and Jim found himself back in the captain’s cabin. “What happened next?” Jim asked.

Spock shook his head. “We were taken to a room where you sated me for two days. When we emerged our bond was checked and we were pronounced mated.”

“What? You’re not going to show me that part?” Jim gave a weak smile.

“I do not remember much of it.” Spock admitted as he stood and crossed the room to pick up one of the photos Jim had seen. Returning, he placed it in Jim’s hands.

Jim stared at himself and Spock in Vulcan robes with an older Vulcan. 

“That is the elder Spock. He came from a different timeline, an alternate universe.” Spock commented, indicating the other Spock. “He died 97 days after we bonded.”

Jim frowned at the image of himself and Spock. “You look… Exhausted and angry.”

“I was not expecting McCoy to take this picture. I had suffered for a week. I was also thinking about how I would explain myself to Nyota.”

Jim looked at himself. “I’m giving the camera a funny look.”

“You were in pain. The last two hours were nearly unbearable for you.”

“Pain and suffering… Have we ever been happy? Or is it always… Like this?” Jim indicated the photo.

Spock set the photo aside carefully before reaching out to touch one of Jim’s hands with his own. “There is an element of suffering in our marriage. It is something I do not dwell on. There is suffering but there is also happiness… Completion… Passion.” Spock leaned in and lightly kissed the edge of Jim’s mouth. “There is a lot of passion. When you protect me… When I protect you. When we share a bed. When you frustrate me. When you get that look in your eyes. You make me feel so much…” His words broke off as he kissed Jim’s lips hungrily. Gently he pushed Jim back onto the bed and climbed over him. “I want to spread you out and hear you scream my name. You make me feel alive.”

Jim sprawled out on the bed, feeling Spock’s weight press against him as he blinked up at the robed Vulcan. Spock took his hands and threaded their fingers together, holding them above the human’s head.

“And one day I will lose you. Like Elder Spock I will be broken and hollow. I will mourn my loss every day for the rest of my life as I try to reason out what I could have done to hold onto you for a few more moments. There will be other mates but none will be my T’hy’la. I may even follow you into the abyss so we will never be parted.” Spock went silent and they stayed in that position for a full minute.

Finally Jim shifted his leg and the spell was broken. His other leg shifted and he wrapped it around Spock’s hips. 

“Come back to me, Jim… Remember.” The Vulcan kissed his human, gently rutting between his thighs. The robe was discarded so he could slide easily against Jim’s pajama bottoms. 

“Let me… Let me take these off…” Jim murmured between kisses, pushing down the waistband.

Spock pulled away and gently peeled off the bottoms. In an instant he was back over Jim, tugging at his t-shirt. “Take it all off.”

“Yes…” Jim agreed and managed to squirm out of the shirt. 

Spock caressed his cheek and slid his hand down to Jim’s sternum. “My Jim… Mine…” His lips took Jim again as he slowly rutted, sliding his oily organ against the human’s. “Let me… Let me take you.”

“Yes…” Jim answered, opening his thighs wider.

Spock pushed in easily enough, his lubrication easing the way.

Jim gasped and clung to him, feeling very full. “Big.”

Spock smirked and kissed Jim’s cheek as he gave another lazy push. “Usually you like my size.”

“I’m not complaining. You’re just bigger than I realized.” Jim gasped with each slow thrust.

“That is what you said when I woke up from my blood fever.” Spock kissed him again, deeply. “Two days was a little too much for you.”

“I can’t imagine two days of this.” Jim admitted.

“I cannot remember.” Spock grunted and reached down to stroke Jim along with his thrusts. 

It only took a few quick strokes. Something about the way Spock touched him made him ejaculate almost instantly and he clung to the Vulcan, writhing beneath him as he squealed in surprise at the intensity. One hand met Spock’s hand as if to ease the sensation. His other arm wrapped around Spock’s shoulder. Semen erupted on his belly and Spock gave a final deep push. His hand released Jim’s cock and reached up trembling, wet fingers to Jim’s face. Jim nodded, knowing it meant another meld.

Spock’s fingers pressed against Jim’s face and they went under.

^.~

Hundreds of Spocks coupled with hundreds of Jims. There were a variety of positions and moods. Some intense and other lazy. The number was rather impressive considering they had started their sexual relationship a year before. 

Voices raised and a Spock angrily shoved a Jim against the wall. “Go ahead, commander… Lodge your complaint.”

“You will not use sexual innuendos to speak to me in front of the crew.” Spock snapped, leaning against Jim’s back.

“Why? Can’t take it? Does it make you come undone? Maybe you should try undoing your pants.”

“Stop it.” Spock whispered.

“Or what? You’ll lose control?” Jim smirked. “I’d like to see that.”

Spock growled and ripped away Jim’s pants to push into him.

The Jim in the meld turned around, looking at a space full of fucking Jims and Spocks. “Wow… You have a lot of sex.”

“I am still young. My control is not complete. You have a habit of instigating situations.” Spock answered.

The nature of the interactions changed. Fewer sex acts and more friendly activity. Hugging and kissing along with teasing and jokes filled the space. 

They came to a stream where Jim was submerged to his waist and laughing. Cupping water, he aimed it at Spock. Spock frowned and dropped his soggy PADD on the bank before tackling Jim and submerging them both. “Will you two cut it out?” McCoy’s voice called out.

Another Jim blinked up at another Spock in surprise. “You’re not my master, Captain Spock.”

“I am not.” Spock answered. “James Kirk is not my slave. He is my captain.”

Jim blushed and looked down at himself. “I am his bed slave. While I am here I will be your bed slave.”

“That will not be necessary.” Spock answered. “While you are here, you are free.”

“Your James Kirk isn’t your bed slave?”

“He is my mate.” Spock answered. “…My beloved. I cannot imagine him as a slave.”

“My Spock calls me ‘Ashayam.’” 

“Ashayam means beloved.” Spock gave a faint smile.

The Jim in the meld took a step away from what he was seeing. “Ashayam means beloved? What is this?”

“This is when we encountered a mirror universe.” Spock answered. “The bed slave James Kirk was sent back to his own universe in exchange for you.”

“What is all this?”

“These are my memories of us in a romantic relationship.”

“Spock!” A Jim behind a window called out weakly. His hand touched the glass. “Is the ship out of danger?”

Spock crouched by the glass in obvious misery.

“What is this?” The melded Jim asked.

“This is when you died.” Spock whispered. “Our bond broke.”

The Spock at the window cried out.

“I watched you die.” Spock narrated softly. “And all I could think to do was track down the man responsible for your death and rip him apart with my bare hands.” Spock clenched his hands, his breath hitching as he watched the scene play out. When the broken Spock stumbled away the one watching finally took several deep breaths and unclenched his hands. “Forgive me. This memory still causes me pain.”

Another Jim and Spock appeared, this time in bed together with Jim resting his head on Spock’s shoulder. “Can you imagine me as a bed slave?”

“Yes. I met the other you. I interacted with him the two days he was here.” Spock answered.

Jim turned his attention to Spock and gave him an impish grin. “Nothing untoward happened?”

“He offered his services. I declined.”

“The other Spock… Wasn’t so restrained.”

Spock shifted his attention to Jim’s face. “Did he harm you?”

“No. But I had to keep up appearances in front of the crew.”

“In front of the crew?”

“I wore a jeweled, gold chain around my waist and a collar with his name engraved on it. That’s it.”

“I am sorry.”

“He had no reservations when it came to sexual activity in front of the crew. His power and confidence were on display every time he bent me over a control panel.”

Spock pulled Jim’s head back down to his shoulder. “You are home now.”

Jim gave an ironic sort of laugh. “It was the same control panel you nearly strangled me against.”

The Jim in the meld blinked and looked to the Spock that stood with him. “You nearly strangled me?”

“I regret that action. I was emotionally compromised by the death of my mother and my planet.”

“Why are you showing me all of this?” Jim asked, indicating the space full of memories.

“Our marriage is not perfect, nor was it formed under ideal circumstances. But there are many moments I cherish. I do not regret binding myself to you. I do not believe you regret it either.”

A Jim lay on a biobed, his shirt ripped open to reveal a massive, bleeding. Terror filled his eyes as he took Spock’s hand. “I don’t want to die, Spock.”

Spock squeezed his hand. “I am here, Ashayam.”

“Get out of the way.” McCoy’s voice commanded although he was nowhere to be seen.

“Spock…” Jim’s voice drifted away as he disappeared.

“Our life together is not easy.” The Spock in the meld regarded his memory as that Spock lifted his hand to look at the red blood in his palm. “But it is not something I regret. I have you, Jim.”

“I wish I could remember.” Jim mused as he looked about at scenarios playing out. “How did I lose my memory?”

There was a flash and the scene reset to surround them both.

“We’re taking heavy fire!” Jim cried out into his communicator as he crouched behind boulder under a tree. Beside him Spock stood and shot.

“Scotty, do you have everyone?”

“Almost everyone.” Scotty’s voice answered over the communicator. “Ten more aside from you and Spock. I can get you now.”

“No! We can wait. Get the rest out of here right now!” Jim commanded.

Spock crouched beside him and dropped his phaser. His hand took the phaser Jim wasn’t using and he stood to resume firing. 

“I have everyone but you and Spock now.” Scotty informed him.

There was a crack as a phaser blast hit the tree. A limb came crashing down just as the dematerializing started.

They rematerialized in the transporter room with Jim falling backwards, blood flowing from a head wound.

“Jim! Jim!” Spock cried out, hovering at his side. The scene ended, replaced by darkness. Only voices could be heard coming from Scotty calling for McCoy and McCoy calling for a variety of medical devices. Their voices faded away, leaving Jim and Spock alone in the dark. 

“A tree.”

“We held them off long enough for Scotty to transport our entire away team off the planet.” Spock answered. 

“I was hit by a tree. I wasn’t even fighting. You were. I was giving orders.”

“Because of your orders we suffered only one casualty. You.”

Jim began to chuckle and then laugh almost maniacally. “I lost my memory because of a fucking tree!”

Spock took his hand, lacing their fingers together. In an instant they were back in their cabin with Spock still between Jim’s thighs, fingers sliding from his meld points. “You did what you had to do.”

Jim continued to chuckle softly as he glanced down at their joined bodies. Idly he ran his fingers up Spock’s side until the Vulcan trembled. “You’re heavy.”

“You like my weight. You told me it makes you feel secure… Safe. I told you it was illogical. In this position we are vulnerable.”

Jim continued to run his fingers up and down Spock’s side. 

“I often indulge your illogic.” 

“Why?” Jim mused, sliding his fingers from side to ass and back again.

“Because I cherish you.”

Jim’s fingers froze as he looked into dark brown eyes staring at him with an intensity and hunger. His hand reached up and lightly cupped the Vulcan’s cheek, guiding him down for an almost chaste kiss. Almost. At the last moment it intensified into something hungry and passionate. Jim wrapped both his arms around Spock’s neck and pushed his tongue to taste the Vulcan’s mouth. 

Finally Spock broke the kiss and murmured “ashayam” as he kissed Jim’s throat.

Jim closed his eyes and concentrated on Spock’s lips. His ass was still full, reminding him that Spock had not pulled out, still inside of him. Experimentally he tightened and heard Spock’s gasp against his collar bone. There was something rather precious about that sound. A Vulcan should be reserved in all things at all times. The fact that he could make Spock gasp amused him. And he did feel safe. Safe… And wanted. 

With a final kiss Spock pulled out and Jim watched as his penis retracted into his body, leaving only oil behind.

Jim sat up and kissed the Vulcan’s cheek, causing it to blush green. “You love me.”

Spock’s eyes locked onto Jim’s for a few moments before looking away. There was a nod.

“And I must care about you. I agreed to marry you without hesitation just because you asked me for help.”

Again Spock nodded.

“I must be really into you… I never wanted to settle down with anyone. And yet… Here I am… You said we belong together?”

Spock smiled faintly before wrapping his arms around Jim and pulling him down onto the bed to lounge against him. “We do.”

Jim relaxed against him for a time, comforted by his solid presence. “What happens if I never remember these past few years? I won’t be fit to be in Starfleet anymore.”

“You can learn.” Spock answered. “If that is your wish.”

“What if I don’t want to learn?”

“You mean to step down as captain? Whatever you desire, ashayam. I will support you… And follow you.”

“It will ruin your Starfleet career.” Jim pointed out.

“My place is with you.” Spock answered. 

“I don’t want you to leave Starfleet…” Jim murmured, feeling sleepy. With a yawn he readjusted his position for comfort. “You’d make a great captain.” And he felt himself drift off with Spock’s hand touching his back.

^.~

Jim woke and wondered why he was awake. The chronometer announced that it was still very early morning. The pressure in his bladder informed him he had to pee and he got up to stumble into the bathroom. On the way back to bed he wondered why Spock wasn’t up yet. Usually the Vulcan left their bed in the early morning to either meditate or prepare for the day. It was already 0512 hours. Jim climbed back into bed, curling up against his husband and deciding that he wouldn’t question Spock’s presence. Perhaps Spock was just tired after Jim’s accident. 

Jim’s accident… Jim sat up and looked around. He remembered the accident… And not the shadow memory that Spock had shown him during the meld. Jim remembered the away mission and the phasor fire. His away team had been scattered and he remembered the real panic at the thought of losing them. There had been the sound of a sharp snap and it fell onto him, leaves and branches scratching him and a solid blow to the head just as the transporter caught. Cautiously he reached up and felt the gentle tingle at the crown of his head where Bones had repaired his scalp. 

There were memories of the accident… Where there memories of Starfleet Academy? A memory of Gary Mitchell tossing a PADD at him in the middle of xenobiology class suddenly came to mind. They had been learning about Orion biology and Gary had made a crude joke which got them both in trouble. Gary… Gary his ex-boyfriend. They had dated for several months. And Gary was dead. Gary died in the battle at Vulcan. They had broken up years before, but it still hurt to lose someone he had once cared about.

And then Jim was aware that Spock’s eyes were open. “I remember Gary.”

Spock sat up to stare at Jim in the dimness.

“I remember the accident. I remember Starfleet Academy. And I remember Gary. He was my first major relationship not counting Bones. He taught me that I was capable of falling for someone. I learned a broken heart wasn’t the end of the world. And Bones was there to mend it with bourbon and a shoulder to cry on.” In fact that’s how they ended up on Risa. “I remember.”

“Do you remember everything?” Spock whispered.

Jim tried to make out the Vulcan’s features in the dimness. Memories flooded him of flirting and teasing. Then there had been fights and anger. Passion… There was always passion. And he remembered the moment he picked up the mallet and hit the gong without looking. Spock was precious and he had to live. No regrets, only butterflies in his stomach as he anticipated what his decision meant. Spock needed a mate… He needed sex. Jim would give Spock everything he needed to keep him alive… His mind, his body, his soul, everything. Their first time had been in the guest room of Sarek’s house. Jim found himself on his hands and knees with Spock’s feverish body attempting to mount him from behind, his brain too deep in Plak Tow to realize they were both still fully clothed. It had taken almost an hour before Jim managed to completely undress them both because Spock had been so intent on fucking him into the floor to notice. The first time Spock entered him… The first time he heard Spock scream his name. The first time he had tasted Spock’s semen. And at the end of Pon Farr when he was sore and exhausted there had been the first time Jim had mounted Spock and kissed him properly the human way. So many firsts… “I remember.”

Cautiously Spock pulled Jim close and rested their foreheads together and breathe in his air. “I am pleased.”

Jim wrapped his arms around Spock’s shoulders and held him tightly. “I remember our first time. You wanted me so badly. It took me an hour to get us undressed enough to fuck properly. You wouldn’t let me go long enough to take anything off.”

Spock managed a small chuckle. 

“You wanted me.” Jim sighed.

“Is that not clear by the frequency in which we have intercourse?” Spock breathed.

“I mean back then… During your Pon Farr. You wanted me.”

“I have always wanted you.” Spock answered and rubbed their fingers together. 

“Not always.” Jim grinned.

“Sometimes the katra knows before the mind does.” 

“Now you’re just making shit up.” Jim teased.

Spock gave another soft chuckle and pulled Jim back down to the bed with him. 

“It’s time for you to get up.” Jim breathed, resting against Spock’s chest.

“I find I cannot. I wish to stay in bed with you.”

“You mean I make you lazy.”

“I did not say that.” Spock replied. “It is not wasteful to spend time with my mate. Especially after I almost lost you.”

“I would have remembered you… Eventually.”

“I am pleased that you remember.” Spock lightly kissed Jim and then pulled away. The lights in the cabin came on and Jim watched Spock’s lean form slide out of the bed. The Vulcan pulled out his robe and put it on. “You may go back to sleep.”

“I’d rather stay up and watch you.” Jim replied, watching his Vulcan begin his morning routine. A sadness overwhelmed him as he remembered his younger self being so unsure about their relationship. “How can you stand to be with me? I’m disruptive.”

Spock sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. “Jim… We have discussed this.”

“I bet when you were a kid you never imagined you would be bonded to someone like me.”

“That is correct only because I was bonded with T’Pring when I was a child.”

“And then later when T’Pring was gone, you still didn’t imagine someone like me.”

“I may counter that you did not imagine being with someone like me if your twenty year old self is any indication.”

“At least I dated people of other genders. Do you regret that I’m male?”

Spock turned to look Jim in the eyes. “No. We are T’hy’la.”

Jim felt a sort of security hearing that word from Spock’s lips. With a sigh he leaned in and kissed Spock’s shoulder through the robe. 

“We are together because neither one of us can bear to be apart from the other. We are T’hy’la. We are meant to always be one.”

“Until I die.” Jim mused.

“I will endeavor to keep you around for as long as I can.” Spock answered.

Jim wrapped his arms around Spock’s waist and rested against his shoulder. “So I’ll never be alone.”

Spock turned and pulled his Jim close. “Never is a long time, my illogical husband.”

“That is why you love me. I’m illogical.” Jim grinned at him.

“Yes.” Spock agreed and kissed him.

\--Fini

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a Bob Dylan lyric from "Make You Feel My Love."


End file.
